So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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