From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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