i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
