please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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