Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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