I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
