Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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