I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
