This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
