Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Even my vagina gasped.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
