I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
