How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
