You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
