You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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