The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
