a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
