I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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