And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
