Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
