I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We are two peas in an std pod
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
