I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize