I faked an abortion last night.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
