i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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