I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
