defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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