Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
NoShamevember. You game?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
