my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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