You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
