i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
