grandma shit on top of the toilet
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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