Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
