I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
