FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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