Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
