somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
