I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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