they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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