he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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