I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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