Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
