you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
