I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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