yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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