Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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