ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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