i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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