They should really pass out barf bags in church
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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