In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
