ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
