woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
