i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
