Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
