I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
