shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Enjoy the penises
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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