apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
