I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
These tits shall not be calmed
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
