Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
