My Higher Power is John Stamos
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
