Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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